I woke up this morning and realized I have been neglecting my poor blog and you know what, its a GOOD thing! Want to know why? Because it means I’ve been living life after cancer. No more weekly fills to expand these temporary rocks in my chest. No more agonizing about whether or not I’ll have to have chemotherapy (I DON’T!). No more sleepless nights running through that list of appointments and follow ups and what ifs. I am on a straight part of this curvy path and it feels damn good.
As I get back into my social life I’ve noticed that I don’t take as many pictures, which I’m glad about because it means I’m in the moment. I don’t feel the need to post everything on Instagram. I am more grounded in my life than ever before. To my friends who took me to plays, happy hours, and sunny day time lunches. Who invited me to Padres game, trivia nights, and came over for BBQ. You know who you are. All of those days I was in pain, physical and emotional, but it didn’t matter because living my life with you was the greatest medicine of all.
After 8 weeks I went back to work. I took all the disability time I could and do not regret it. Especially since so many of my co-workers were surprised I came back to finish the school year at all! I won’t lie, going back was a difficulty transition. Mentally and physically I am still recovering from not only the physical but the emotional trauma of 2018 (2019, the bar is set pretty low for you to be an outstanding year!). Luckily, our school year ended on June 4th and I am now on summer break which will give me more time to heal.
Sunday was National Cancer Survivor’s Day. I got to cheers it with a couple of friends and watch the Padres win against the Braves, but it didn’t seem like a day to celebrate to me. I find it difficult to celebrate surviving sometimes because so many women (and men) diagnosed with breast cancer don’t. What was different between my cancer and theirs? Why did I get so lucky? How can I celebrate surviving when those that didn’t had no choice, couldn’t have done more, couldn’t have fought harder? Its a guilt that isn’t logical and can’t be explained, but one that I welcome because it gives me motivation to remember how my mom and I are two of the lucky ones.
I went to a volunteer orientation at the Susan G. Komen of San Diego. It was an overwhelming experience and I teared up twice. Once when they showed a video of breast cancer survivors and their family members talking about how much Komen had done for them during their journey. And once when the breast cancer survivors in the room were given a beautiful necklace courtesy of Kendra Scott. It is simple and beautiful and came with a handwritten note that made me feel those feels. Susan G. Komen of San Diego funds both national and local measures to support breast cancer patients. I am excited to volunteer my time with this group whenever I can.
I’ll try to be better about posting because even though it seems like I’m over the whole cancer thing, I’m not and have plenty more to share. But if I do go on a hiatus again its because I’m out living life as one of the lucky ones. xoxo